6 Ways to Ease Caregiver Strain

When the latest issue of Nursing 2013 arrived in my mailbox a decade ago, the title article caught my eye immediately:

Easing the burden on family caregivers

I'd been a full-time caregiver of a high-level quadriplegic son for sixteen years at the time. I loved my job, but I was always eager to learn anything to ease the workload. I grabbed magazine and scanned past the clinical stuff to get to the end. I wanted to see what their ideas were for "easing the burden."

As I guessed, there was no magic bullet, no miraculous new methods for helping family caregivers. There were, however, some things worth noting. Today, twenty-six years into caregiving, I've pulled out some of their ideas and added a few things we've learned over the years to share with those who care for loved ones.

1. Don't be afraid to ask others for help.

Caregiving is a marathon. No one can take on the crush of duties day after day after day without some respite or assistance. It's hard to ask for help, to feel needy. But those around you may wish they could help somehow and just not know what to do. If you're not comfortable with having them take over the actual caregiving duties, you could see if they would be willing assist you in chores once in a while. If you have the financial resources, you can also pay for such chores as yard work and picking up groceries to save valuable time and energy.

Getting help not only relieves the physical burden, it allows both caregiver and patient a chance to interact with others, a vital necessity for both physical and emotional health.

2. Think in terms of team-building,

After Kevin's initial injury and the weeks in the hospital and rehab, we all felt like victims of the system. A lot of good people worked hard to help our son survive. The medical system is an institution, though, and institutions often must sacrifice individual attention to accomplish the most general good. 

In the process, Kevin - and we - often felt marginalized and manhandled. We responded by closing ranks around him and getting home as soon as possible. As he improved, we couldn't wait to get to the safety of home and do things in a way best for us and our son. 

At home, we developed our own schedule and cared for our son by ourselves for many years. After more than a quarter century of caregiving and suffering some health challenges of our own, we knew it was time to get help. Though we still do most of the work, we now have a nurse come in once a week. She, in turn, has been able to find us others to help ease the burden. She is, in fact, the one who has championed the idea of developing a "team." 

Depending on the type of home situation you have, let others make whatever contribution you feel comfortable relegating to them. Homes certified by the state will need to have substitute caregivers meet certain qualifications.

But by all means, let others mow the grass and bring you groceries. 

3. Adapt an assertive coping style early on. 

This is probably the most crucial thing we had to learn. Everybody needs an advocate when they are seriously ill or injured. In the fog of a medical crisis, it's easy to accept whatever the medical providers tell you, because they are the professionals. But they don't know your loved on like you do and won't care nearly as much. Being assertive will actually reduce your sense of vulnerability and helplessness. Just be sure you listen to both your loved one and the professionals and understand the landscape before you charge in.

Those who are naturally more passive are more susceptible to crumbling under the burden of caregiving. They tend to stay isolated, worry more, ask fewer questions, and develop a negative attitude. A healthier coping lifestyle involves actively taking charge of the situation, asking questions and pursuing the answers that will benefit both the caregiver and the patient.

4. Learn all you can.

Understanding what is happening to your family member is crucial to providing the best care with the least amount of emotional strain. Research the disease process or injury, available treatments, and the usual prognosis. It's especially important to know such basic techniques as how to correctly turn a person in bed, infection control, and bed sore prevention. Find out what, if any, community, church, and government resources are available.

5. Be kind to yourself.

Caregivers often put the needs of others ahead of their own. In order to take good care of a loved one, you need to be good to yourself, as well. This is easier said than done, since it's often hard to find time for anything besides work. Try to give yourself permission to care for you. Your family member needs for you to be well.

Hospital emergency departments employ a term called "triage" to decide which patients should be treated first. The idea is to put the most important cases at the front of the line. Do this with your life. Develop your own triage system to care for the most crucial chores in your day. If something can wait until tomorrow and you're exhausted, put it at the end of the line. This works well for emotional issues, too. Don't waste your tears on things that aren't worth your energy.

6. Talk to someone.

Develop an emotional support system. Have at least one or two people who you can call when you need to cry, vent, or just talk. Don't just run to those who will agree with everything you say, though. Develop friendships with those who will listen and speak the truth. It's a two-way street; engaging with others gives our lives new perspective. It may even ignite a fresh appreciation for all we have gained through our own situations.

 Photo Courtesy Erik Thorson 2023

Gather the Memories While You Can

He had been in fragile health for some time. His favorite way to spend an afternoon was to sit and reminisce over his life. As his memory began to slip, sometimes he told the same story over and over, usually beginning with these words, "I may never have told you this..." Distracted by a myriad duties I needed to be finishing, I often just smiled and endured the recitation while I mentally organized my day. After all, I'd heard it many times before.

As he got older and frailer, I began to realize that one day soon, he would leave us, taking his memories and my connection to our shared past with him. I began to get a pen and paper, or a hand held recorder, and ask questions while I took notes. Sometimes it was a lengthy session. Sometimes I just jotted down a sentence or two.

What I discovered was a gold mine. Dad was a veritable storehouse of information, dates, and names. Our afternoons together became a treasure hunt for my family's story. We both had our DNA tested and he gave me valuable clues as I pieced together our pedigree. I learned not only what he did, but why he did it, answering some nagging questions about our family and bringing me a new sense of release and peace.

With his help, I was able to publish a book on the history of the community in which we live. I couldn't have done it without his vast knowledge of people and places. The book is dedicated to him, and my only regret is that he passed on before I could place it in his hands.

Now he is gone, and I cherish those times I had with him. He took great comfort in knowing that what he thought was important for us to remember about him and the family had been preserved. And I learned so much, mostly how vital it is to be present when I am with others. I had always taken his presence for granted, and now that he is gone, I often find myself trying to remember something and wishing he were here to ask. I miss the essence of who he is, but I am comforted by the treasure of the sweet fellowship I was honored to experience.

As a lay researcher, I realize the importance of writing down even the most basic family information. I have spent countless hours trying to dig up just the names and birth dates of people associated with a history project. Information that may seem unimportant now may be vital to someone later.

As a caregiver myself, I know that sometimes we are so focused on what our loved ones have lost that we forget what they still have to offer. Caregiving, with all its trials and stresses, can be a deeper experience when we acknowledge the life that was lived.

This November is National Family Caregivers' Month. As we gather around the Thanksgiving table this year, let's remember to listen to Grandpa's stories a little closer. Scoop up the memories while you can. Write them down. Even a scribbled note may yield a treasure trove of information later. While you're at it, don't forget to write down your own story for those coming after you.

Gather the memories while you can. One day they will be gone, and you will be a better person for having listened.

Is Your Phone Making Someone Sick?

At a busy doctor's office recently, I got in line to check my son in for a routine visit. Instead of the old-school clipboard they used to update patient information, the receptionist handed me an electronic tablet. I took it reluctantly, scrolled through the prompts with the stylus, and confirmed the information on the display. I stood back in line and handed it in.

Then I went to the bathroom and thoroughly washed my hands.

Am I paranoid about getting sick? Yes, I am. As a caregiver to a son with high medical needs, I can't afford to be sick for even one day. Although we have grown children who help us a lot, I am the only one who does all the skilled nursing treatments required by my son's high-level spinal cord injury. And because we operate a certified nursing home to care for our son, regulations define who can come in to assist us.

Our son's fragile respiratory status, his father's commitment to watch him every night while he is on the ventilator to sleep, and our youngest daughter's struggle to juggle caregiving with a full-time job, makes the health of our household a vital concern.

A cold for others is an inconvenience. For us, it is a disaster.

According to a recent issue of RN Idaho, a magazine published by the American Nurses Association of Idaho for Idaho's nurses, my concerns about mobile devices are well-founded. In the article, "Mobile Bugs: Are Pathogens on Your Devices?" the authors assert that mobile devices are, indeed, potential reservoirs for pathogens.

Every year more than 90,000 people die in the United States from healthcare acquired infections, also known as HAIs. HAIs are infections acquired during a stay in a hospital. Researchers have found that up to 95% of phones in hospitals were colonized with bacteria, of which 5% were pathogenic. Some pretty nasty bugs were found on them, including MRSA, E. coli, Acinetobacter, Enterobacter, Klebsiella, and Pseudomonas. Viruses like rotavirus and adenovirus were also discovered.

The most disturbing news was that most healthcare providers reported that they didn't regularly clean their mobile devices. Although a direct connection between contaminated mobile devices and HAI's has not been established, it should be treated as a real possibility.

And even though research has concentrated on HAIs in a hospital setting, common sense would suggest that community settings - and especially ones in which sick people are concentrated - should be treated as potential infection pools, as well.

Prevention from infection can be as simple as regularly cleaning our own mobile devices at home and those we use on the job. It should, of course, become a habit to wash our hands before feeding or otherwise giving care to those in our charge. And we should speak up when we see a healthcare provider forget to wash up before providing care to us or a loved one.

Breaking the cycle of infection is an important way to keep ourselves and those we love healthy.





Callegos, Cara; Hong-Engelhard, Cindy; McDuffee, Veronica; Boeck, Caitlyn (2017, August, September, October). Mobile Bugs: Are Pathogens on Your Devices? RN Idaho, 5.

15 Inexpensive Ways To De-Stress As A Caregiver: Part 3

11. Need some serious quiet time? Pull out your Bible (or Bible Study), grab a favorite drink (tea or coffee), and find a comfortable chair. In case you like to write down your thoughts, be sure to include a notebook and pen for any spiritual revelations. Finding the time to read God's Word is not only relaxing for the body, but it's also refreshing to the soul. When you can combine both physical and spiritual rest, this is the key to a full and complete de-stress.

12. Take the time to catch up with old friends or close family members. Put aside a little free space from your schedule to talk on the phone with a loved one. Don't just call up anyone, call that one person that makes every day brighter - the one that listens - the one that makes you laugh - the one that understands you. Are you more of a writer? Find someone who would like to be your pen pal, and start writing some letters back an forth. It says in the Bible that "a cheerful heart is good medicine." What better way to de-stress than to laugh away the problems with a good and faithful friend/family member?

13. If you own a pet (whether it be a cat, dog, bird, etc.), buy it a new toy to play with. You can find pet toys anywhere - at a grocery store, pet store, online at Amazon.com. You don't have to spend much on the gift - just get one that you and your pet will really enjoy. This is a fun and effective way to alleviate stress. Not to mention, your furry friend will love it too!

14. Do you feel better when tasks are completed? Don't be afraid to ask someone for a little help with your home. If there's a certain individual that you know would be happy to offer assistance (and has mentioned it to you before), go ahead and call them up. Set up a day and time that works best for the both of you. You and your friend can clean, laugh, and catch up on life. Be hospitable. Provide a delicious snack and tea/coffee for a well-deserved break.

15. Put on some of your favorite music (a playlist is best) and light up an airy-scented candle. Set the mood for peace and tranquility in a secluded space in your home. Following the music, do a line of easy aerobics and stretches (don't over do it!). Remember, take it slow with each solid movement. Doing this every day will not only make you feel happier, but your physical body should feel more at ease.

As a young Caregiver, I hope this 3-part series benefited everyone in some way. Through the process of brainstorming ideas for this article, I learned new stuff myself. Curious... do you have any tips for Caregiver stress? I'd love to hear them! Leave a comment on this post with your suggestions. *Thanks*

15 Inexpensive Ways To De-Stress As A Caregiver: Part 2

6. Are you a music lover? CMADDICT.com (a Christian music website) offers free downloadable songs from their website (legal and 100% free). There's also online radio stations that offer a streaming of popular Christian tracks (all free): K-Love, Effect Radio (Christian Rock), Positive Life Radio, NRT Radio One - this is a selective list only, there's many more available online (especially, if you search for it on the web).

Looking for more? YouTube is the perfect way to discover new music. Type your criteria in the search field for what you want, and listen to your heart's content. There's music videos from artists themselves, lyric videos, instrumental music, and so much more!

7. Do you enjoy playing games? Bigfishgames.com offers a variable string of games (for PC and mobile devices, alike). Prices for games vary between $6.99 and up (this depends on if you buy the standard edition or collector's edition). Be sure to check their website regularly - they offer great deals on titles. You can also join a monthly membership for $6.99 - this provides one game of your choice for each month plus special offers/discounts.

Amazon.com includes a wide range of games for purchase - downloadable PC games, platform titles, and gaming apps. Don't want to spend the money? Big Fish Games allows a downloadable free trial play on most of their titles (you will need to download their game manager app to play). *Note* If you search "free games" online (Big Fish Games should be safe - I've used it), always be careful about downloading them - you could unknowingly add a malicious bug to your computer.

8. If you like to cook, Pinterest is your place. Unfamiliar with this site? Pinterest is an online community with "pins" from all sources imaginable (online or uploaded from users). You can find photos, videos, self-help articles, art, and etc. - this includes a number of recipes! Take the time to search for a meal that makes your mouth water, and save the recipe to your board (if you have one) or write it down on a piece of paper. Gather the needed ingredients, and cook yourself/family a delicious new serving of food. Want to save money? No problem. Pinterest also offers pins with meals on a tight budget.

9. Are you a sociable type, but can't leave the house? Blogs are a constructive avenue to connect with others like yourself. You can start your own blog with blogger.com or wordpress.com (both free), and share your ideas, life, and adventures. Without creating your own blog, another way to connect is to search the internet for like-minded bloggers/writers. Narrow your search down with what interests you (motherhood, photography, books...), and spend some time within that community. You can do so much on a blog - enter a giveaway, read articles, and chat with people.

10. Take up a hobby or pursue one of your favorites pastimes. You can scrapbook, piece a puzzle together, take photographs, sketch, read a book - do what brings you joy! You'll find that these are some of the best ways to de-stress from any situation.

Next week: Part 3 of 15 Inexpensive Ways To De-Stress As A Caregiver

15 Inexpensive Ways To De-Stress As A Caregiver: Part 1

1. Soak your feet in a plastic tub (whichever you have that would work) of warm water (you could also put in a little Epsom Salt). After a few minutes, dry your feet with a towel. Use your favorite lotion and give your feet a gentle massage. Once you're done, take the time to paint your nails with a fun color. If this is something you enjoy doing on a regular basis, be sure to buy some new nail polish to use (this is an inexpensive way to relax and your feet will thank you as well).

2. Like to read? Stop by the library and pick up a book. Are you a slow reader like me? Consider buying a used book from Amazon.com - check the shipping prices on each item. Compare the overall price with the new book from Amazon itself (ask yourself, is it cheaper to buy it used or new?). Like to read e-books? You can scan Amazon.com's listing of Kindle book deals or free e-books to download. When you read, don't forget to grab a delicious drink (tea, coffee, lemonade, and etc.). Finally, pick out a comfy chair in a secluded nook and escape for a few chapters.

3. Ready for a movie night? Rent a title from Amazon.com (prices range from $1.99-5.99 - Standard Version). Without first watching it, a rental should last from 15 to 30 days. Once you begin watching the rental, it usually lasts 48 hours. Be sure to finish it! Another option is to pick up a movie from RedBox - these are usually found interspersed within a town/city. Prices range from $1.50 a day for standard edition to $2.00 for Blu-ray a day (sometimes you can find a great deal on these!). Of course, none of this would be complete without a couple of your favorite snacks - popcorn and candy bars.

4. This can be the same as above, but with a television series instead. I love buying episodes from Amazon.com - standard version is only $1.99 per episode for 59 minutes or less. I usually try to stay away from buying an episode that's only 21 minutes long - doesn't seem like much for $1.99. Be careful, though. Because of the price, you may be tempted to buy one episode right after the other. Savor them and make the experience last - buy an episode every so often of your favorite show. This is nice because you can re-watch the episodes over and over again.

5. Not willing to spend the money? That's okay. There's ways to watch in a legal and free manner. Visit youtube.com and be random with your viewing experience. Spend your time watching funny cat videos, music videos, or even of a traveler in a different country (the possibilities are endless!). The videos on youtube are without limits, so type out a line in their little search box. And watch away! You can spend countless minutes without spending a single dime.

Next week: Part 2 of 15 Inexpensive Ways To De-Stress As A Caregiver

You CAN Thrive

"That you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God." -Ephesians 3:17-19

Rooted in Love: You CAN Thrive

 Practical Tips for Successful Caregiving

When our son was paralyzed in a fall back in 1997, we were told it would be “impossible” to care for him at home. We were determined that he wasn't going to a nursing facility, though. He came home with us after his discharge from the hospital, and he has been at home ever since. We are thankful for the support of family, friends, and the medical community which have helped make the “impossible” a reality. Every day we are thankful to a faithful God who has taught us this:

“For with God nothing will be impossible.” – Luke 1:37 NKJV

“Possible,” however, doesn’t mean “easy.” Caregiving is a marathon, an ongoing investment in the life of another human being. Since our son’s medical needs require twenty-four-hour supervision, it has been imperative that we develop strategies to cope with the pressure.

Over the years, I’ve learned some vital practical tips for keeping sane. Today I want to share one tip that has helped me.

Simplify your home. 

I know that's lots easier to say than to do. Especially if you're a new caregiver, you may feel like you have the energy for anything else. But life beyond caregiving does go on. Along with caring for your loved one, there are bills to pay, birthdays to remember, and appointments to make. I recently had to spend hours digging through twenty years of non-digital photos for a memorial service for a relative. Nothing was in the right place. Nothing was dated. What a mess! It was my reminder that a couple of simple changes could have kept this from happening.

Hopefully, I learned my lesson.

Trust me. Life is easier if you get organized.

1. Use what’s on hand. 

Get shoe boxes (or plastic tubs if you want to invest in them). Label them “Pics,” “2015 Receipts,” etc. Set them in a place where they will be easily accessible. When you run across a receipt, photo, or anything else you need to save, throw it in the right box right then and there.

2. Label photos immediately. 

Take the extra 30 seconds to write a date and any other pertinent info on the back of non-digital photos before you toss them into the abyss of a box. Believe me, there will come a time someone will thank you for that.

3. File, file, file. 

Place important papers and medical information in file folders and 3-ring binders. Don’t turn this into a project. Just grab some folders at the store, label them, and put them in a drawer or box that you can keep handy. The important thing is to get into the habit of tossing things in the right place right away, before they get lost in a pile or, God forbid, thrown away.

If you’re tech savvy, you can take screenshots or digital pics of bills and papers and file them digitally. Be sure to back them up on a system like the cloud, external hard drive, or flash drive.

The important thing is to know yourself. Don’t set up a system that you’re not going to use. I’m old-school, and that’s why I love using file folders and boxes. It’s so easy to just pitch them in their proper place. But do what works for you.

4. Communicate. 

Keep a large calendar in the kitchen with a pen and sticky notes nearby. This way, family members post their appointments and events on the calendar so everybody knows what’s going on for a particular day. 

Let's get started!

Just doing these things should help relieve the mental burden of trying to coordinate a home and caregiving duties. We'll be sharing more as we explore how to survive - and even thrive - as caregivers.